Pumpkin Carving

So, I am a dad, those you that know me, you know that. And those that don't know me, you know it now.

Well, I wanted a special thing that I could do with my kids that they will always remember. And I found it. I carve pumpkins with them. I have done it for years and I have tried to match the pumpkin with something like what my kids were wearing that year. So, I have done Darth Vader, a ninja turtle, Tinkerbell, among others.

Well, my kids are older now (8 and 6) and you are all lucky I am typing this.

You see, we sat down last night at the kitchen counter and we talked about what pumpkins to carve. And would you know, we had to do three pumpkins. The kids could not agree on one. I know, you are saying, "Don, you said you only have two kids, why three pumpkins?" Well, I wanted one too you know!

So, we finally narrowed down the list to three. Out come the knives, the paper, you name it. Well, the inside of a pumpkin is gross. Did you know that? It's like putting your hands in a big booger filled nose. That's among many of the things I heard as I gutted three pumpkins.

Then I started on the first one.... The three of us working hard on it, listening to music, having fun, laughing... wait, where did the kids go?? As I look over, I see them both sitting on a step in my kitchen the upstairs with their Gameboys in hand.

So, what happens next, I carve three pumpkins with those pumpkin carving tools you buy at the store. You know the orange ones I am talking about. Yeah, I think they are made by Keebler. You know why I know that. Because only freakin' elves have hands that damn small. I looked like I was trying to fit my hand in the top of a 2 liter for three hours.

And did I mention those blades are sharp? I almost took off a freaking finger! And pumpkin guts are acid when they hit an open wound. I screamed in pain. Then I go to get a bandaid, so I don't get E-coli from the manure they grew the pumpkins in. Well, I got to pick between Dora and Blues clues, the two brands my kids stopped wearing years ago.

I walk into work on halloween morning, with my Dora the Explorer bandaged hands, typing with a flippin' pencil in my mouth because I still can't open my hands. But my kids have pumpkins that will rot and have slugs covering them by Sunday!

And here is the end result!

Halloween Costume Requirements

OK, I might be showing my age here, but I need to rant. So, here I go.

I am petitioning that there be groundrules for Trick or Treating. That's right, I want to protect the holiday for my children. I was able to witness trick or treating pre-Halloween this weekend and I was floored. Some of the things I saw. So, I decided to come up with rules. That's right rules.

1. If your costume is a lumberjack and you accomplished the look by simply not shaving that morning, you are too old to trick or treat.

2. If you are a female and you have a more mature shape than the last girl I went out with, although I appreciate it (provided you are the legal age), you are too old to trick or treat.

3. If you feel the need to request a certain type of candy, DON'T. You will get what I give you. Trust my judgement kids. I am not going to screw you like I was screwed when I was a kid. Which means no pennies, no almond joys or mounds. I am not that old. I love a good candy bar as much as you do.

4. If you fail to put on a costume, keep walking. I am not going to entertain the fact that you are dressed as a student or something else. If you don't put the effort in, neither will I. I mean, this is a two way street here.

5. Don't pull the switcheroo on the masks. You can not simply switch masks with your buddies and hit houses over and over. Does not work that way. One to a customer please. I mean, when you are at Sam's on free food day, do you circle the chicken tender lady over and over? No, don't do it to me. Note: If you do circle her, we need to talk!

6. Be polite. You don't say thank you, be prepared for me to reach my hand back into your bag and grab my candy out. It's that simple.

On a related note: If you are a vandal and if by reading any of the rules above you feel the need to egg my house or destroy things, feel free to ignore the rules. I don't want to spend three hours cleaning up pumpkin guts in my yard for a 25 cent kit kat.

TUCK OUT!!

Franken-Puppy

OK, all, I know, I know, it's been a while since I have written in this and for that I am truly sorry. OK, maybe not truly, I will say mostly. definately kinda....

So, as you know from reading my past posts, I talk about various things in life and try to put some humor in them. Some of which involve my kids, others involve my observations on life, and then there is Ginger.... Ginger is a sweet and lovable pain in the ....

Well, Ginger will be celebrating her 2nd birthday next month. What am I going to get her you ask, well my first is simple: Nothing, she is a flippin' dog, she does not know what a birthday is.... And the second is, well, I already got it, and it is the morale of the story and reason for the title to this post.

Not long ago, I noticed my sweet, little puppy (yes, I am talking about Ginger) limping and not using the one back leg. Well, I had an appointment for the vet shortly after that and I asked about it. Turns out she had a condition which is a hundred letters long, that I can not say without spitting all over myself, which translates into "BAD KNEE" So, I asked what I do. They said, "Fix it", I did as every pet owner would do, I asked, "How Much?"

Well, here is my first tip for you, don't ask that, you might get an answer you don't like. So, after they told me the answer, and picked me up off of the floor, I learned it was $1,800.

Then I started thinking. In my day, if my folks would have gotten that news, my dad and the dog would have went for a walk. And wouldn't you know it, the dog would get away. And my dad would be telling us all of this as he cleaned his gun at the kitchen table. Yeah, amazing how clueless we are when we 'trust' our parents.

Well, after hours of soul searching I decided to bite the bullet and spend the money. Well, I took her up there, dropped her off and even had to sign a DNR.

Then I decide that I am going to take both of my kids up there to pick her up. Well, we are in the waiting room and this girl, comes walking in. And you know, to this day, I am not sure if it was a girl or a pin cushion. The girl was pierced everywhere. Blue hair, posts and rods coming out. I needed a tetnis shot, just to shake her hand. She totally had my kids staring and pointing.

Well, she then says she is going to get the dog. In walks the dog. Her back leg is completely shaved off and there is a 6 inch incision down her leg. I look at my kids, they look back at me and then it starts. Screams of fear. So the dog is scared, the vet tech is scared, I am scared. we all just sit there for a few minutes and scream.

Finally, I get everyone calmed down, we get in the car to go home and as I driving home, the screaming starts again. At this point, my head is about to explode. I am going down I-71, with a dog that looks like it was in a knife fight, my daughter screaming and my son laughing about the vet tech and how she looks like she fell in a hardware store.

I get home, cater to this dog, and then try to put people to bed. Then I come back down and cater to the dog.

Now, people will read this and think one of two things.

1. If you are not an animal lover, you will simply think.... Idiot.
2. If you are an animal lover, you will simply think..... Idiot, but I would have done it too.

Ginger is fine, running on it like nothing happened.

Snow in Cincinnati

Well, I survived. Survived what you ask, well the great blizzard of 2008. It was pretty touchy there for a while. I was worried I would not make it. I did not stop at Wal Mart the night before to stock up on water, canned meats and beef jerky....

Then I watched the news, the agony, the horror of the snow, all of that. The news painted the picture of the end of the world. It is true, we were all going to die. So, I thought to myself, "Do I really want to die hearing how I am going to die?" So I turned off the news.

Then I went to the back door and looked outside. I saw my back yard covered with snow, my kids back there with my dog, playing, having a great time, enjoying the snow. Then I realized something. DID THEY NOT KNOW WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE? OK, so maybe I am being a little dramatic, but come on people..... It is snow, that's it!

So, I have one other story to share with everyone (which means the one, maybe two people who actually read this)

Ben and his snowballs:
I woke up early Saturday morning to a snow covered world. I looked outside, saw the snow covered streets and thought to myself: "Where in the hell is my driveway?"

So, I started digging it out. I got dressed, got Ben dressed, which is about the equivalent of gettting a squid in snow clothes. And remember, this kid is 5! But we were out there, I was shoveling, and about every 5 minutes, he would throw a snowball at me. It was so much fun... for him!

Well, this went on and on and then he found the pieces of ice on the bottom of the driveway. And he threw some of them. I would ask him very politely... hey, it's my story, so I am saying it was polite, to stop. Well, he did not...

About this time, my neighbor came over with his snowblower. He is one of those guys that has issues and needs to address them by buying large pieces of equipment. Well, I was ok with it this time. I admit, I used him. I used him for his snowblower. So, I started using it, and man it was really strong. About this same time, I got whacked in the back with another block of ice... So, I could only think of one thing.

Yeah, you saw it coming. I turned the snowblower on him. I covered the boy with about 6 inches of snow.... Should I have done it? Probably not. But he and I were both laughing hysterically....

And then I realized something. I should have never done it. For the next half hour I heard the same thing, "Dad, hit me again...."

TUCK OUT!